Egyptian Space Invaders

© Caren Kennedy

When it comes to white knuckle treats, bungee jumping can’t beat the adrenaline rush of getting from A to B in Egypt. But for the unwary tourist it can feel like a lethal game of space invaders. Having survived this land of moving targets, I’ve compiled a few safety tips for anyone planning a trip.

Walking
Keep looking over your shoulder even when walking on what appears to be a safe side of the road. There isn't one. If you can avoid crossing the streets, do - you’ll live longer. But if you must, then do so by sprinting in a zigzag fashion as if dodging bullets while keeping a constant watch on anything that’s moving, looks like it might and isn’t - yet. Never assume anyone will stop for you. They won’t. For really busy areas tailgate the locals while pretending not to. Suspected stalkers are as unwelcome in Egypt as they are elsewhere only the penalties are stiffer. Twenty years hard labour if you’re lucky. Should you suddenly feel like you’re walking on air, then that’s because you are. You’ve fallen down an antiquities excavation shaft and are now dead.

Taxis
The only downside to taxis is the often high speed maniacal driving. However, finding one couldn’t be easier - stand still and hop back. If a mini-bus screeches to a halt and the local occupants are ejected then congratulations are in order – you've just privatised Egyptian public transport. If a car pulls up, then regardless of the driver’s previous occupation, he’s now a taxi driver. Either way you’ll be driven as if teleported to wherever you want to go. Guidebooks advise agreeing a price before setting off. My advice would be not to bother. It’s a complete waste of the precious time you have left as the whole haggling pantomime is repeated at the other end if you get there. It’s called a bonus for arriving in one piece. Alternatively if you’re really crazy you could drive yourself.

Driving
While a death wish isn’t mandatory, it certainly helps when trying to figure out the rules of the road. There are none. But even so, it’s important to get your facts straight before attempting to pilot anything on wheels.

Rentals
To hire a car you need an international driving license, valid passport, wads of bribes, and nerves of steel.

Speed Limits
There are three – static, blurred or warp.

Lane Markings
Where there are any, ignore them. Everyone else does. Drivers drive on whichever side of the road appeals which is always on your side.

Headlights
In darkness, headlights are flashed intermittently rather than used continuously. Saves on the battery apparently.

Signalling
Never anticipate the intentions of another road user as there’s an excellent chance he hasn’t actually decided yet and, even if he has, he'll almost certainly change it again. A blinking indicator might mean the driver ahead intends stopping, moving off or turning in a certain direction but then again it might not. It could just as easily mean he intends reversing into oncoming traffic.

Hazards
Blasting horns and flashing headlights are used to signal intentions and warnings when, for example, something is blocking the road, something looks like it might, something isn’t and at traffic lights regardless of colour. Drivers toot when pulling out, pulling in, stopping, turning right, turning left, bored or when saying hello. In other words, brace for impact.

Overtaking
Cars, buses, carts and donkeys will make every effort to overtake and undertake other vehicles even in what appears to be an impossibly tight space as this gives them the right of way. Anyone who tries cutting in from behind is ignored as they’re liable for collisions.

Accidents
If you do have an accident, immediately go on the offensive and offer to pay for repairs. The alternative is being screamed at until you’re deaf and you’ll still end up paying. If the local police happen to be around, standard procedure is to chuck everyone in prison regardless of fault and, believe me, you’ll still end up paying. Both for damages and police hospitality.

Security
The really good thing about Egypt is the anti-terrorist road block. To some they seem like an unnecessary hindrance and the endless waiting to be judged friend or foe interminable. My advice is to be patient and remember the longer you wait, the longer you live. In a country where the average life expectancy is thirty minutes, it takes a lot off your mind.

First published Backpacker 2009

Teenagers, school and jobs

Last Christmas I ordered my studiously challenged teenage son out of the house and into a job. A week later, he swore blind school would never see him again. Come January however, he was tripping over his size twelves running back into the classroom.  Three weeks spent stacking supermarket shelves had taught him the difference between ‘job’ and ‘career’. Taxation was the big shocker though.  ‘Daylight f******g robbery!’ still echoes in our home.

But even so, he continues to work part-time and initially I was delighted with the success of my plan. The process of finding and holding down a job had taught him how restrictive working life can be without qualifications. It wasn’t long, however, before delight changed to uncertainty when his hours of work increased to 20 per week. Although he was now motivated to study, and was even talking about going to college, he no longer had the time or the energy. Certainly employment was bringing independence and new found ambition but I was no longer sure it was compatible with the demands of school life.

A part-time worker is by definition a part-time student, observes teacher Carolann Copland. ‘School is full-time and those pupils who also work are noticeably more lethargic in class,” she says. ‘There simply aren’t enough hours in the week to go to school, study and work. Exam results and attendance invariably suffer. However, when confined to the holidays, work can be an enriching experience.’

Securing a holiday job can be problematic as many employers refuse to take on students if they’re not prepared to work during term time. This is particularly true of the retail and service industries, in which youngsters have little choice but to work Thursday and Friday evenings and one or two full days at the weekends. ‘Restricting the number of hours a student works can be difficult,’ comments parent Carmel Linnane. ‘From an employer’s point of view they represent cheap, flexible labour. My own teenager was forced to quit his job in a restaurant when his boss began pressurising him into working back-to-back shifts on the lead-up to exams.’

The issue of whether my son should continue working or not is something he shrugs off with a yawn. ‘I’m 17 and getting money out of you is a mission,’ he tells me. ‘Besides I want to be independent, buy the stuff I want to buy and go on a holiday with my mates.’

It’s not all bad news though. For a student interested in pursuing a career in retailing a lack of practical experience could well prove a barrier later on, says former recruitment consultant Helen Thornbury. ‘But then any kind of work experience is attractive to prospective employers, even if not directly related to the vacancy. Many students who have never worked leave school believing they can stroll into a job. Those students who have already been exposed to the realities of the work place know how important it is to arrive on time, take instructions and use their initiative where appropriate. Employers like that.’

Helen, who now manages the Graduate Studies Office at Trinity College Dublin, has also noticed significant differences between the two groups at third level. ‘Students who have worked to finance their studies tend to finish in a timelier manner, are more focused and less likely to remain on the college register for continuation or repeat years.’

She’s not without reservations though, not least those gained from personal experience. ‘Coming from a one-parent family on a low income I was expected to work as a teenager if I wanted cash. And the more cash I wanted, the more I had to work!’ she laughs. ‘But there are certainly additional pressures when combining work with school. When I was waiting on tables, all my friends were playing sports, studying or just hanging out. There is a lot to be said for free time and employers like to see extracurricular activities listed on a résumé as much as they do practical experience. But, like most things in life, I think it’s a question of balancing all three – work, study and play – preferably by negotiating suitable hours with an employer.’

Now that school’s out for the summer my son is working even longer hours. Sure, it’s great he is ‘employable’ and not sleeping the days away as he did last year. Even better is the fact that he’s no longer tugging on my already stretched purse strings. But even that has become problem. He has more disposable income than I do and the way he can spend it takes my breath away. Still, I’m as ruthless as any taxman and, on pay days I deduct a hefty percentage.

I believe it was a mistake to encourage my son to get a job during term-time but, as Helen says, like most things in life it’s a question of finding the right balance. Another cunning plan is at work here, though. In September I plan to hand back the ‘hefty deductions’ to soften the blow when I tell him its school or nothing until next summer. Unfortunately, now that he has reached some measure of independence I suspect a compromise on ‘Saturdays only’ may have to be reached.  

First published OneUp

An Irish Awakening

Exhausted from walking he poured a single whiskey before leaning back in his chair and falling asleep. It was the quietness of him that disturbed his wife. The stillness and silence of him.

She touched his cheek for a moment and then feathered her fingers slowly down the creases of his neck stopping only when she was sure nothing would disturb him again. Sighing, she reached for the phone.

A few neighbors arrived, all expressing sorrow for her trouble.

‘It comes to us all in the end,’ she replied. ‘He's at peace now God love him. Ach, sure what a great way to go here in the warmth instead of out on the street.’

She reached for the bottle which stood idly beside him and suggested a toast. ‘Let's drink to long life and health beyond!’

The neighbors agreed it's what he'd have wanted.

‘We were due to go dancing this very night,’ she said, filling glasses. ‘He mighta been 72 in age but not in mind.’

A good innings indeed, the growing crowd murmured.

One neighbor recalled how he'd seen him earlier. ‘Top of the morning, I says to him and would you credit it now his reply “and the rest of the day to yourself”.’

Smiling, the wife sat down beside her husband. ‘He took his walk every day, hail, rain or shine. He could a surely strolled to Dublin if he'd a mind to.’

‘Have you phoned for the priest?’ asked another neighbor.

‘And doctor too, much good it'll do him.’ She turned to her husband and finding his eyes wide open, dropped her glass.

‘Would you be in me grave as quick as me whiskey Missus?’

First published in  A Pint and a Haircut  2010